3

 Resigned to a fate. No point anymore in trying to talk to anybody in the hopes of convincing them or making them understand or anything. 

They are not meant to understand. The way I was never meant to be here. It was a mistake.

I will never be able to feel normal, like I belong, anywhere or with anyone.

So we're back to square one. I am on a collision course, unless disease takes me first, end will be by my own hands. 

All I can really do is try to make the journey a little comfortable, a little peaceful and calm, essentially recreating something artificial that I've never organically understood. 

Doesn't mean throwing caution to the wind and be extra impulsive or open or inappropriate whatever. 

I make a deal with myself. I coach and train nyself how I should respond to other people and behave with them , manage expectations and all that.

I'm also okay with other people hurting me intentionally or otherwise. I either deserve it or it's better than the other way around which turns out to be far more messed up because, you know, I don't do anything normally, the mess I create would be the same 

For now, I need to work on losing weight, getting income, saving, procuring prescriptions, money to travel to different pharmacies, saving for oyo rooms, take along some tool to crush the pills Into powder or do that beforehand 

Anti emetics .

Oh yeah, sav enough for wine etc

And never ever ever letting slip even an inkling of this plan. To anybody, ever, for whatever reason. That's what doomed me last time, have to rectify this time 

2

 Everybody should be educated, stigmas and misconceptions exist for a reason. so they can know the warning signs and what to stay away from, as much as I did not want to inflict the suffering that I did, doesn't change the reality of my actions.

Red flags

It is good in a way because I can then be prevented from abusing those I do not want to abuse.

All the open holes, of people not understand me, me lamenting the fact, me trying to reach out and everything ending badly, all the pain anguish and hurt in between because of my self care methods,

There is finally a light and it shines right where i started.

I can finally reach an end to things

When every other opening is closed, like me not able to form or carry out relationships, alienation, self hate, self harm, dissatisfaction, hurt to others, regret remorse which does not matter worth a dime to the ones I want, 

I'm going to go back where I came from. 

Non existence.

All affairs are sorted. I don't owe anyone anything, there is no closure to be had, I can leave.

I can finally be at peace with myself. And same for the ones I've made to suffer, because like I mentioned earlier, I will do my best to tie up loose ends.

And so it ends, not with a flash, not with a bang, but with slow decay.

Ramblings

 When ur an introvert it sort of gets easier in that I can spend long periods with human interaction. And I actively seek out solitude because if you don't know me, you won't be hurt. 

All I need is a bottle by my side, and some stimulation such as the internet etc.

Of course, I can't ignore my chronic suicidality but it comes with the territory I guess. I feel a little calmer having chalked out a whole plan on how to go and how to avoid past mistakes.

It also helps to keep replaying all the instances that gave me bullet proof reasons to 

1. Never get close to anybody

2. Never trust anybody and always watch your back

3. Anticipate what could go wrong so I'm not caught off guard

Of course none of this is positive or encouraging but I. Just. Can't. Anymore.

It's time to go

 I tried this once in 2017 and I recognize that the reason I could not successfully go through with whT i planned for a long time, I became weak. I wanted the last second of attention so I talked to someone after having consumed all the pills I purchased along with wine.

I cussed that bastard out, thought I could remain logical and appreciate and continue my friendship with him but it was not meant to be.

That type of suicide is easy to plan but takes a long time and I had the perfect Storm of conditions coming together to make my plan a success.

I was the right weight, had enough money to rent. A room, everything was perfect but my stupid fucking self had to go and

Self sabotage.

Today, I can't find a job that would give me the same as my previous salary much less expecting a hike. 

I think my only option. Remains to take up fucking something that generates a bit of income and savings after giving most of it all to my father.

Then I rent a room.

I measured the travel expenses.

I plan around what to say at home to justify a couple nights away

But all the booze.. wine is easiest.

Week after week of securing meds from different pharmacies.

Anti emetics

I have to reduce my weight. 

Then shut off my phone.