3

 Resigned to a fate. No point anymore in trying to talk to anybody in the hopes of convincing them or making them understand or anything. 

They are not meant to understand. The way I was never meant to be here. It was a mistake.

I will never be able to feel normal, like I belong, anywhere or with anyone.

So we're back to square one. I am on a collision course, unless disease takes me first, end will be by my own hands. 

All I can really do is try to make the journey a little comfortable, a little peaceful and calm, essentially recreating something artificial that I've never organically understood. 

Doesn't mean throwing caution to the wind and be extra impulsive or open or inappropriate whatever. 

I make a deal with myself. I coach and train nyself how I should respond to other people and behave with them , manage expectations and all that.

I'm also okay with other people hurting me intentionally or otherwise. I either deserve it or it's better than the other way around which turns out to be far more messed up because, you know, I don't do anything normally, the mess I create would be the same 

For now, I need to work on losing weight, getting income, saving, procuring prescriptions, money to travel to different pharmacies, saving for oyo rooms, take along some tool to crush the pills Into powder or do that beforehand 

Anti emetics .

Oh yeah, sav enough for wine etc

And never ever ever letting slip even an inkling of this plan. To anybody, ever, for whatever reason. That's what doomed me last time, have to rectify this time